Church Today

I went to church today. I was very amazed by the message. I wrote the earlier posting Saturday night. The lesson today was about Fear... WOW! Basically Pastor Said if you focus on your fears you will go right for them. Focus on your dreams. That Fear is the reverse of Faith. Faith in your self or your God. If you have fear that means you have opportunity for faith. I am not doing this service any justice. As I sat in this service I cried. I felt the sprit talking to me. I felt like I needed to be there. I am glad i believe. I am glad I have faith. I am glad i know that sometimes my fear is just my faith coming out. I am glad that I know where I belong and am not afraid of getting there. I have faith that i will get there. The mind is a powerful thing once set in motion. Use it! Stretch it out! Remember a baby never learns to walk if you are over protective of their fall. You have to not be fearful of your growth. You can not be over protective of your growth or your loved ones growth. No matter what your growth is learning to speak a new language or learning to walk a new path for you r life do not be in fear of the fall but have faith in your success.

Sometime I will just ramble out my thoughts... so if you think wow she is crazy... I am!

Okay today was an amazing day. I got to see a 13 year old boy realize my action will cause pain to others. I will make another decision.
I got to see my two year old son upset that his baby brother was upset.
I got to see my two year old try to act like a grown man. He wanted to hold the door open for his mama.
I saw the way this world can wrap it self in a beautiful white coat and say look at my beauty once again as clean as can be.
I got to cry and hear from a brother and sister in Christ that they love me!
I got to show two 13 year old boys that faith is stronger then fear.
I got to enjoy the company of a close friend.
I got to talk to two of my best friends on the phone.
I got to get a kiss from my baby boys.
Wow I am blessed. I may not have any money or a roof of my own but I am blessed with all the love and faith I have.

I am really not trying to be mushy but I am feeling all these things.
I also feel a little pissed that I am where I am in life... Where is that?
someday I will look back at these days and say the hard times... not that bad.



Okay I am done rambling. Talk to you all later.

Mama Bears says Enough!

Hi nice to meet you.... for those of you just getting to know me here we go on a ride that will make you laugh, cry, scream and say I love you...not to me but to the man or woman you love or the kids in your life... maybe even your brother or sister. And for sure this will make you love the fear your mom had as your mom and the endurance you made her have. I call my self mama bear because it you fuck with my cubs you will die!!! Yes I am scared to death I am not doing the right thing every step of the way. But because of my little cubs I will make every step as sure footed as possible. I will pray that every step I take is blessed by God. I will ask myself a hundred times is this right for my little boys? Will they benefit from this step?



Oh by the way Please understand a couple of things about me I am the worst speller so thank god for spell check and please just over look my grammar because I forgot what I learned in school...wait did i learn this in school?



Okay lets start with my first little miracle in my life Brody. One of my loves. He came into my life when I thought i could never have a baby. He grew inside me... I made this little life. For those of you who have had kids you understand the way it feels to have a baby depending on you for his life. The first time I felt him move in womb I cried with joy. I was so amazed... matter of fact I am crying now because the experience was so amazing. The first time I heard his heart beat, the second he came into this world I was moved by him and he as not stopped touching my heart. He looks at me in this way that makes my heart melt. He says morning to me and I smile. He is learning things faster then I can teach him. He is two but its not that bad. I have been more relaxed about boundaries so now I really am setting them. He is getting it. I could go on for hours about him.



Now here is a baby that will melt your heart. This is the other love of my life Rylan. How do I start with him. He has a passion that I though only adults would have. He touches my face when I am sad sometimes that just melts me. When he moved the first time I took a deep breath to not cry and just took in the fact that this little baby was another miracle. WoW! You know I cried. The first time I saw those big brown eyes I cried, He just amazes me how much he loves his brother even when he hits him he just loves him. He looks at him with such Pride and love.
Wow I made this baby... He is amazing.

So here are some things about me... I am a procrastinator. I am worried about my babies... I look at my self and wonder how i let myself get here. I think I am fat and unattractive... I think that I have some gross things about me that I can not even share with my closest friend... I think I am not that smart. ... but then I think none of this shit matters. I have my passion to live for. I have my babies to live for I have myself. I do not want to grow any older worrying about weather or not I was skinny enough or weather I am pretty enough or if i am smart enough... just be enough for my boys and my family and friends. So fuck all the other stuff... I am Mama bear! I am enough!

If you do not know me... here are some of the things you should... I am a single mom. I have been since i gave birth to my first son. His dad was there but bot really... I am now separated from my husband. I am now looking for oppertunities to make my boys life enough. I am living with my mom...another mama bear! I am trying to go to school. correction I am going to school. I am going to be a teacher. I love my family and I love my friends as much as my family. They are all enough for me. There is so much more and i will be telling my all here so stay tune.